Eat Less Salad

dietdressing

 

Watching your figure, but still want to enjoy the tangy zest of dressing with your salad?  Why not try some diet dressing?  You can–

–wait.  Wait, wait,wait.  Cut 10,000 a month?  10,000?  How the $#%& much salad are you eating!?  That’s enough dressing for five salads a day.  That’s twelve bottles just for you.  Are you–are you just drinking the stuff?

You know, salad isn’t exactly a health food if you’re just using it as a vehicle to deliver a constant stream of dressing down your gullet.

Maybe you don’t need diet dressing.  Maybe you just need to consider eating something aside from salad every now and then.  (>^-‘)>

 

Bene edite.

The Bag of Promises

No.


 

bag

 

Somewhere deep within the Forest of Meaning there lay a bag filled with promises for every creature, great and small.

On one bright and meaningful day, as woodland critters gathered around to await their chances at it, a nervous brown squirrel approached and ruffled through the bag as though, one might say, he were rooting for acorns.  When at last he found his, it promised him:

Your tail will grow much larger this summer.

This pleased the squirrel greatly, for he had chosen a very large tree as his home to compensate for the lack of confidence his currently meager tail provided him.  A large home and a large tail?   Well, the squirrelettes wouldn’t be able to resist him then.  He thanked the bag and moved on.

Next, it was the turn of a fluffy white bunny.  She sniffed around in the bag and quickly located her promise:

Your hops will be bouncier than ever this week, and by its end, you will find your one true rabbity love.

The bunny hopped in excitement and nuzzled the bag with gratitude, then bounded away.

A deer came afterward.  She hoofed around the bag and located a promise just for her:

You will run with more grace and speed than you thought possible, and avoid the jaws of the wolf.

This was, of course, splendid news.  The deer had a very young fawn and would not like to see him orphaned.  Well, naturally she wouldn’t see him orphaned, as in such a scenario she would be deceased.  The opposite was entirely preferable.  She sighed in relief and trotted off.

A cricket followed.  He crawled into the bag and searched around.  He dug through all the promises, explored every corner, scoured every inch, but could find no promise meant for him.

The cricket was crestfallen.  “Dear bag,” he pleaded, “have you nothing to promise me?”

“I’m certain I must,” replied the bag – the bag can speak when it suits it, let’s say.  “Did you try looking harder?”

It was an astute suggestion.  The cricket tried looking harder, but still uncovered no promise for himself.  “I see nothing, o magnificent bag.”  The cricket was quite despondent.

“That is so very unlike me,” mourned the bag.  “I can think of not a single reason why I would have nothing to promise you.”

It was then – exactly then – that a grumpy and impatient sparrow fluttered down, snapped the cricket up, and ate him bodily.  It was not very satisfying.

“Oh,” said the bag, relieved.  “That would be why.”  The world made sense again.

The sparrow eyed the bag suspiciously.  “Have you anything for me, bag?”

“I don’t see why not!”

The sparrow shuffled through the bag and found a promise all his own:

You will find no sugar this week.

“That is a terrible promise,” grumbled the sparrow.

“I am sorry, Mr. Sparrow.”

“I feel this entire ordeal has been quite meaningless.”

“I understand, Mr. Sparrow.”

“Just a waste of everyone’s time.”  The sparrow pecked the bag in irritation.

“Please do not peck me, Mr. Sparrow.”

Thoroughly displeased with the day’s events, the sparrow took his leave.


 

Bene scribete.

O Stomach

Sick face
 

O Stomach —
You hate me today.
Did I eat something wrong?
Did I get in your way?

O Stomach —
That’s not very nice.
I’d say knock it off,
If you’d like my advice.

O Stomach —
I’ve got things to do.
I’m not making it up.
I promise it’s true!

O Stomach —
I’ll make you a deal:
You’ll get tasty things
If you don’t make me keel.

 

Bene scribete.

October: Start!

Well, look at that; it’s already October.  And you know what that means – it’s the eighth month of the year!

–I mean, tenth month of the year (dang it, Latin!)!

It also means that it’s officially O.K. to start decorating for Halloween, and that’s a good thing.  And it’s time to start thinking about a costume for all those parties you’re sure to attend.

Like this one, here:

 

formalsuit

 

This…formal suit?  Hold on, I think I’m missing something here…  No, that’s–that’s all it says.  Formal suit. Is that just a…no, includes mask.  All right, yeah, good.  Got to have the mask.

You know, the featureless blackout mask that people are always wearing with tuxedos.

Wait.

Wait.  Maybe I’m not missing something, but – what’s the opposite of missing – finding?  No. Overincluding?  Extracluding?  Yeah, maybe I’m extracluding something.  Is the suit not the costume, but the costume is the suit?

Are you not dressing up as a fancy person wearing a suit, but as the suit itself?

…wh–what?

O.K.  All right, Halloween, you’ve–you’ve, um…yeah.  O.K.

 

Bene scribete.

That’s a Lot of Cake

megacake

 

Costco sells a seven-pound chocolate cake, and I’m always eyeing it.

I don’t have a reason to get a seven-pound chocolate cake, but I’d like a reason to get a seven-pound chocolate cake.

I just need an occasion to get enough people together to eat a seven-pound chocolate cake.

A cake party?

People have cake parties, right?

That’s not just a horribly gluttonous thing I made up, is it?

IS IT!?

Cake party.

 

Bene edite.

Nature’s Intent

ChocoPina.jpg

 

Nature’s intent, it says.  Did nature truly intend for pineapples to be covered in chocolate?  A question for the ages.

One which I believed I had the answer to.

In order to test my theory, I ingested a piece of pineapple covered in chocolate.  Indeed, my hypothesis was confirmed.

The answer is no, in case you were wondering.  Nature did not intend for pineapples to be covered in chocolate.

Because it’s gross.

Stop it, nature.

 

Bene edite.

Dincton Flatt and the Very Grey Suit

Uh-oh, another one.


 

greysuit

 

“This suit,” Flatt muttered, half turning to the left, then right, as he admired himself in the mirror, “is rather grey.  Extremely grey, one might say.  But is it…”  He ran his hands over the coat.  “…too grey?”

“I shouldn’t think so, sir,” his robot coyote responded with a tilt of his head.

The tailor started, falling back onto his bum and dropping his tape.  “Heavens!  It can talk?”

“Featherby can extremely talk,” Flatt sighed, waving a hand in dismissal of the obvious.  “For him not to speak would be the proper marvel.”

The tailor frowned, but went back to work.

Flatt’s gaze returned to the mirror, but truthfully, had never left it.  “Perhaps you’re right, Featherby.  One can never have too grey a suit, can he?”

“Not when made by the finest tailor in Danesbury, sir.”

“Oh, well,” the tailor sputtered, distracted but obviously chuffed, “th-thank you, yes.  You’re a–a fine thing, I suppose.”

Featherby nodded curtly, and Flatt shook his head, summoning an appropriate reply to his tongue, but before it could bust snappily and handsomely through his lips, the shop’s door swung open and a man in a lavender suit twirled in.

“What on Earth…?”  Flatt only saw him through the mirror, and still didn’t feel like turning around.

“I require a tune-up for my vestments,” the entrant announced, voice lilting all over the place.  His short hair and mustache were blue, which they had no business being, if Flatt were to be consulted on the matter.

“Mr. Gabbery is quite occupied at the moment, I’m afraid,” Flatt said, ensuring his tone suggested his own importance without necessarily rubbing it in the strange man’s face.

“Yet I am an immediate man,” the newcomer assured, holding his arms out and strutting fancily over to the others.

Featherby piped up, “And who are you, precisely, if you do not mind my asking?”  There may have been a bite to his words.  Good for Featherby.

The man turned to the coyote and set his fingertips upon his breast.  “Dabither Fudgebegotten, naturally.”  He swooped down and held out a hand, to which Featherby tentatively offered a paw, and they shook.  He then straightened up and faced the tailor once more, gesturing over himself.  “Now present me that I am presentable.”

“Of–of course, just as soon as I finish–” Mr. Gabbery began, but Fudgebegotten overrode him:

“Cannot be borne, I regret to say.  I have many preparations to make.”

Flatt finally deigned to turn his head, raising an eyebrow.  “Surely, my good man, you cannot mean to interrupt my fitting?”

“I haven’t the time to wait on questionably grey suits, I fear. I’m certain you understand.”

“Nonsense,” Flatt grumbled.  “Its greyness is precise…”

“Nevertheless,” Fudgebegotten intoned, addressing the tailor, “my needs are a priority.”  He smiled, and his mustache twiggled.  “I promise.”

The tailor furrowed his brow, but nodded.  “Very well, then.”  He gestured headwise for Flatt to step down from the pedestal.

Flatt eyed him.  “Truthfully, Mr. Gabbery?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Flatt.  He did promise.”

Flatt groaned but complied.  “Come, then, Featherby.  Let us quit the scene of this indignity.”  He marched toward the exit, coyote in tow, but stopped as he reached the door, glowering back at the lavender-suited tailor usurper.  “Mr. Fudgebegotten – you wouldn’t happen to have been wearing a hat earlier, by any chance?”

Maaaybe,” Fudgebegotten practically sang, lips pursed joyfully and eyebrows waggling for a needlessly extended period.

Flatt’s face darkened, and he flung his way out through the shop’s threshold.

“You know, sir,” Featherby mused as they walked down the street, “now that I see it in the daylight, I wonder if it could be said that your suit is, perhaps, after all, just a touch too much on the grey side.”

The frown on Flatt’s face might have dislocated his jaw.  “Oh, Featherby, why did I build you?”

“For good times, sir.”


 

Bene scribete.

SPACE WINNER

SpaceWinner.jpg

 

SPACE WINNER!

YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Do you–do you want to win?  DO YOU?

Don’t just win the land and the sea and the sky THAT’S FOR BABIES.

DON’T BE A BABIES.

You need to–need to win at SPACE.

Stars and lasers and synth music everywhere!

Win it!  Win the space!  Win 68cm x 38cm x 85cm of OUTER SPACE!

You can do it!

DISCOVER A F%$#ING PLANET.

You can be–

BE A SPACE WINNER!!!

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHH!!!

BODENSCHRANK!

 

Bene vīvite.